Poem Title: Sleepwalker.

[sparklywalls]

Written earlier this month.


Sleepwalker

Woke up with that feeling something was wrong
The windows were cracked and
Cold pricked at my soles
So I placed a light footfall down on the floor
Clutching a blanket for solace and warmth

My nightgown fluttered as wind filled the house
I crept down the stairs chewing my nails
My finger childishly in my mouth
In the kitchen I saw you relaxed in a chair
You poured yourself a drink with a casual flair

And my heart froze with fear when
You flashed a smile full of wicked charm
The lightning dancing upon the evil angles
That painted your face
Then with a rumble of thunder and a sip
Of your brandy

You were gone in a heartbeat; the chair empty

So I crossed my legs and sat
Obediently waiting
The hours passed and
I shivered transfixed
Gazing at where you had been.

The sun came up
But oh you never did return.

Comments

I fear death! Here goes anyway...:D

[klyte.livejournal.com]

Has no one yet commented on this piece? I've looked it over a few times now and I kinda like it...

I think you have a song here--there's a nice flow and continuity going on and I have a sense of how it might sound (if I were to write music to it; it's vague at the moment but there nevertheless!--this bit is quite memorable:

The lightning dancing upon the evil angles
That painted your face...

And here, nice sharp verb choices:

The windows were cracked and
Cold pricked...

That's a good use of hmm, not quite alliteration but sort of--the "cr-" and the "pr--" initial sounds work well, as does "cracked" and "cold"...in the penultimate stanza "I shivered transfixed" is very good indeed...

Overall I like the nocturnal gothic feel...do you have any more pieces that you've completed that you like?

klyte (aka Mneme from the board)

Re: I fear death! Here goes anyway...:D

[sparklywalls.livejournal.com]

People probably didn't comment because I wrote it when hardly anyone knew about this journal! ;)

Glad you liked it, and thank you. I very rarely write poetry that makes me think "yeah, this is the absolute best I could've done" but this is one of those pieces. I wish I could play more instruments and write songs sometimes because I really do like lyrics. They should be of equal importance to the music most of the time.

I deleted most of my poems from this thing but I might be able to find some of the stuff I wrote in my old notebooks!

And hello!!! It took me a few seconds to work out who you were! :D x

Re: I fear death! Here goes anyway...:D

[klyte.livejournal.com]

Yes, sorry about the confusion! I tried to be Mneme here too, but someone had taken that name...so what do I do? Find another Greek alias! I kinda like it too (though it's just short for Klytemnestra--what is it with me and Greek women's names, lol) Funny that you too have one, but in Greek characters--it reads something like Katerine? Do you study Greek? I'd love to learn so I can read Aeschylus in the original...

On reflecting I realise it was a bit cheeky of me to come on here and say um, I think you have a song here...I mean, if you conceived it as a lyric poem then it doesn't need music to complete it (as I seem to imply)--I quite agree about song lyrics in general, in the best songs the lyrics are often poems in their own right...I recall copying out the lyrics from Dark Side of the Moon into my notebook in school to show my teacher because I was so impressed with their quality as stand-alone poems...I really enjoy reading and commenting on poetry, so yes, if you have more that you'd like to share I'd love to see them and give you some feedback if you like (you can of course PM through the board--does LJ have a similar thing? I'm still finding my way around here!) I could be persuaded to show you my most recent, as yet fledgling, piece I've been working on...after a year, it's about twenty lines now!

Sorry about the length of this--I'm afraid this is just me! Hope to hear from you soon...

x

[sparklywalls.livejournal.com]

Hey don't worry I don't mind...I really do wish I could write songs because in an ideal world, I'd be a musician hehe.

Yeah the name is Greek for mine. It's Aikaterine which became Katherine and all its variations. Unfortunately I can't speak/read Greek and I got it from an etymology book, but Greek is one of those things I'd love to learn someday.

Klytermnestra was an interesting character. Or maybe interesting is the wrong word. Ambitious I suppose!

LJ does have a PM feature but you can add me if you want? That way we're in touch anyway! I'm always happy to see other peoples' work too so it'd be cool to see some of your stuff :) x